Sit with it. Healing happens by feeling.

There were a lot of quotes, sayings, ideas that came across my feed and in messages, during my years as a caregiver. I’ll be honest, some of them made me angry in the moment. Some of them I dismissed, knowing I wasn’t in a position to receive the “feel good” message. But this one… during year 3 of caregiving…

“Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Even though you want to run. Even though it’s heavy and difficult. Even though you’re not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.”

During Year 1…didn’t want to hear it. Year 2…Just don’t… Year 3…Okay, I’ll try that. Year 4…I am glad I got that in year 3.

Healing starts to happen, when you let yourself feel all the emotions, pain, uncertainty, questions…And, I mean, really feel it, down to your bones.

Healing does not mean that the pain is gone or sadness doesn’t creep in. But it gives you the space to allow it, and grow through it. To become whole, even when something feels missing.

I only let myself half-feel during the first 2 years of caregiving. I suppose I told myself I had to be strong.

I was on the verge of tears, daily, for 2 years, before I finally let myself fully feel and let the tears flow; until I finally let myself feel all the pain, emotionally. And, that was just a turning point.

It was a small pivot, but a pivot in a healthy direction, to accept and heal. And, during that year, as Dave became more difficult, more distant, wandering, breaking and hiding things…. I made the decision that I had to listen to the advice of my health care people, and do something proactive to take care of myself.

I worked really really hard the last year or so of Dave’s life; physically, mentally, spiritually. And it wasn’t easy or fun.

But, where that all started in earnest, was when I allowed myself to sit in all of it…the messy, the past, the future, the pain… And, the difference from that and what I had done the previous 2 years, was that after ”sitting in it,” I got up and did something proactive.

I will tell you now from this vantage point, ”the valley” taught me a lot, and I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t choose it, but I really can look back now and at the very least, appreciate what I learned about God, about me, about life, about friendships, about family….in the valley.

Mountaintops are nice and glorious. But, I appreciate those moments so much more now, than I did 3 years ago.

(And, I would not have listened to you if you had told me this during the hardest years…I couldn’t. So, don’t feel bad if you are reading this, during a hard time, and thinking… you are crazy, Anne…I can take it. I understand. And, it’s okay to feel that way too.)

Anne